Monday, July 11, 2011
First time feeling depressive and hopeless?
It all started out on Sunday night. I'm 14. Please trust me when I say that this is the worst feeling I've ever had in my whole life. I've been usually content with life, a pessimist but easily made happy. Anyways, I had been watching the series 24 for about 4 hours straight. In a scene where the patients were forced to kill themselves, I went into a bit of a shock. I stopped immediately. I started to break down crying and feeling really scared, a deep thought of suicide and killing myself. I felt I had a duty to, not that I wanted to. I woke my sister and cried all night, we talked about it until the morning, and I felt better. The next day, I told my whole family, they talked me throughout, making me feel loved, the thoughts had resided slightly yet later that night, I broke out crying to my mother, feeling depressed throughout the whole day. I felt very guilty suddenly, wanting to shout out all my sins, and yet I surprisingly controlled myself. This deep feeling in my chest won't go away. The thoughts of suicide have subsided. I don't know why it's still there, I have a lot of good friends, I go out a few times each week with them, I go to church twice a week, my family loves me, I don't seem to have anybody hate me at all. It's like I have to be constantly doing something to forget. The reason that depresses me most is: "This is all life really is, nothing more. Same old." I can control myself physically, but not mentally. I've just come from a 2 week trip to the Philippines and still haven't adjusted to the time so these are my problems currently, 5-6 hours of sleep daily, a deep feeling of throwing up and chest heaviness each time I eat, even spending an hour at home makes me think negatively, I've been using the internet and electronics ALL THE TIME if I do not go out, I'm sleepy and tired, I used to work out frequently (now I have stopped), I feel anxious if I'm not doing anything productive, I have a huge fear of the dark and paranormal at night, this week (since Sunday) I've had my period with much heavy flow. What's wrong? Am I just unhealthy? Why is it affecting me so much? I've watched many scary movies and felt no fear at night or morning. I quiet enjoy watching them but when I watch the series 24 (which isn't meant to be scary but suspense), I fall into a depressive time. I'm scared and open to talk about this feeling. I've never cut or tried to hurt myself.
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